I have written two essays and will be entering one to try to win a house in Idaho. There are no specifics to the essay contest aside from word count. The guideline is "why you feel the owners should give you their house", and the Essays are being judged by local college English students.
I have room to grow (word wise) on both essays, and take constructive criticism very well.
I am challenging (hoping) you to read both Essays and vote on the one you feel has the best change of winning. The Voting is on the right of this entry. Please email me your suggestions on changes to heatherbeee@aol.com I will be taking votes and suggestions until August 7th 2009.
Thanks so much in advance on all of your help!
Essay #1
Essay #2
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Well, while both stories are compelling, the Wild mustang story was my favorite. I was reading it almost like a book, with pleasing visions, and a hopefully point of view for the future, no only for the animals, but for the help of the teens/kids that could be involved with this dream of yours, such as clean stables and care for horses, and participation in caring for the "ranch". However, the ending of the Ogden Robbery story made me gasp, and say "WOW", on the pay it forward idea. I felt that the Ogden Robbery was more of a sad, non-uplifting story, until the end. If you want to really captivate these people, on top of the wild horse story, add the pay it forward part. Yes, that is a huge sacrifice, but it certainly got my attention! Good luck Hon! I always said, if I won the lottery, I would invest into a property myself, that would care for animals, just like the Best Friends Sactuary down in Kanab, and hire troubled teens, to help run the place. We have more in common that I ever new. You are a great gal. If there is anything else I can do, to help you win this essay, count me in!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Chelle, I was thinking (have been told) I need to combine the two. I may do that and add a third vote, or wait till all the comments are in, and combine everyones favorite parts. Right now, I feel they are both kind of lacking.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the #1. I see you there, in your dreams, reaching out to feel every strand of tall grass blow your finger tips. Watching, studying, the wild and majestic, Mustang. I hope you win! One thing I got caught on... the "stepmothers sprinkling in" It didnt flow well for me. Maybe you could be more descriptive. Like, "dropping in like random rain showers". Just a thought. Love ya!
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